ABUSIVE DURING CONFLICT

We had ONE afternoon with a couple misunderstandings that were mostly because he takes himself so seriously that he decided he was being dismissed over a couple of small jokes that I just didn’t land well, and he absolutely would NOT allow the situation to resolve.

He was so upset by what was meant to be a little light hearted ribbing that I could barely listen to everything he was saying. It was really intense, I was folding pillowcases and he came out of the shower and just launched into his complaint about it at full speed. It took me really off guard and I froze.

WON’T ACCEPT APOLOGIES, BERATES YOUR INTENTIONS

I apologized immediately but it wasn’t enough, so I apologized more and told him repeatedly that I would never want to hurt him (then, anyway —now? fuck you, Andrew) until I ended up CRYING WHILE SITTING ON HIS FLOOR, while he stood over me squared off.

He told me my good intentions weren’t enough because of their impact, which I disagree with conceptually, because how ELSE am I supposed to make it better then? I can’t go backwards. I can only apologize and explain my thinking for context and not do it again.

I was trying to understand why this was so serious and then he moved the goalposts on me and it wasn’t just WHAT I said, it’s that I was teasing him at all.

I tried to talk out a few things about how that kind of teasing seemed ok because of something he had said to me the week prior that I laughed at even though it was at my own expense. I was ok with what he said at the time, even though it could not in any way be construed as flattering.

DOUBLE STANDARDS AND TEASING

So Andrew can tease you and call you out, but you CANNOT do this to him. And he has very specific reasons why that still don’t exactly make sense to me but by that point, I was so overwhelmed by how irate he was that I was having a hard time focusing. I was getting a little panicky tbh.

He was, like, vibrating, and his movements became very rigid, because he was so upset. It was just so wildly out of proportion and I was already very intimidated by his posturing and intensity and the whole thing felt really off and dark and not healthy at all.

Then he started cross-examining me with that Socratic method style questioning that’s just meant to get people cornered into somehow making a counterpoint against themselves, (“Did I say blah blah blah”) and I was like, I’m not doing this Socratic method shit.

THIS WAS LITERALLY THE FIRST TIME I HAD EVER SPOKEN STERNLY WITH HIM but of course, you’re not allowed to stand up for yourself with people like Andrew.

THREW ME OUT AT NIGHT

He threw me out at nightfall on a Saturday night an hour away from my house and involving a high bridge.

Made me carry all my things myself even though I’m healing from a serious spinal injury and immediately blocked me everywhere.

My back pain flared from all the driving up and down 75 in the same day. The whole thing was just crazy.

It was our first argument and the MINUTE I wouldn’t let him domineer me anymore, he punished me unilaterally and completely. He will not fight fair and if you don’t just take it endlessly, he will go nuclear.

Control freak abuser who thinks that if he gets his feelings hurt it gives him the right to act however he wants. Will not forgive misunderstandings, will not accept apologies, has a pattern of discard and blocking. Starts off being the sweetest man alive, intentional, plans things, checks in multiple times a day, talks about the future, will travel with you, coordinate outfits, go out to dinner, cooks for you, cares about compatibility, but it’s love bombing, and you’ll see that once you “cross him.”

SIGNS OF CONTROL AND ABUSE

This happened a week after a trip we both agreed was the best 4th of July of our lives. The weekend prior he said the restaurant I chose and paid for was the best restaurant meal he had ever had. We spent every weekend together, a consistent stream of affection and laughing and activities. I cared about him deeply and thought he was a very high quality person until I saw this side of him.

But looking back, there were warning signs of this abusiveness that I didn’t understand at the time.

He is deeply controlling about time, schedules, environmental conditions, sleep, and noise, just extremely rigid and would get noticeably agitated if any of these things were what he considered off.

He is especially high maintenance around these things, beyond what people do when they struggle with insomnia. This is about control. He doesn’t want you making any noise or moving around after he goes to bed, which is while it’s still light out, so it was a lot to accommodate.

He would pull apart my furniture and take over my dressing room, as if having a private bedroom in my house was this normal thing, and required lots of accessories for this go well, but it never actually went well. He always had a complaint.

He is also still very impacted by his relationship with his father, who seems like a classic alcoholic narcissist from Andrew’s description.

He brought up his dad weekly and described him as making everything about him, demanding excessive attention for his grievances, and being unable to meet others’ needs because of it.

he said this maybe an hour before he did exactly the same thing to me.

BE CAREFUL IF THIS MAN TRIES TO DATE YOU.

HE HAS DONE THIS BEFORE

He told me that the person he dated before me was needy and couldn’t do things without him. She was a single mother but he never met the kid, which was strange to me, bc he is VOCAL about his hatred of children.

She was looking for something more casual than he was and he said that he broke up with her immediately, he was angry about her misleading him about having a serious relationship, and she texted him repeatedly afterwards, but he would just delete the texts until he blocked her without a word.

At the time, I thought that was a sad story. He made her sound unstable, and I thought it made sense why he would block her, but after seeing his true colors, I know Andrew is the type of man to make people feel small and dismissed over simple things if they offend him enough. I suspect his version of the story leaves out a lot about how he treated her.

Andrew Svetina, Supplier Quality Engineer, Sarasota Florida, born 1995, age 31

This is from Why Does He Do That? which is an excellent book that all women should read to identify early warning signs of abuse in men. I didn’t think I’d have to consider Andrew through this lens, but the highlights are the ones that describe him.